That’s me on the left, reading to my little sister, Kylene, on the right.
Most days I’m not sad about the death of my sister Kylene. It’s been 11 years after all. And the sharp pangs of loss tend to fade over time into a duller, more generalized ache of longing. But there are triggers that bring back the sting of losing her. Inevitably, major life milestones, her birthday every year, and today—the anniversary of her death—dredge up the deep well of feelings of losing your 16-year-old sister.
In the past, I’ve shared Kylene’s poems (here and here). Yesterday I was reading through one of her journals. Her words are pretty typical of girl her age (she was 13 when she wrote these particular entries and looking forward to a trip to Georgia with her Girl Scout troop), but there ones that break my heart because they’re so full of hopes and dreams, and I know she had so many of these that never came true.
“Every activity sounds incredibly exciting.” “There are so many things to look forward to.” “Seven days ’till I have one of the best five days in my entire life.” When I read these snippets I can’t help but think of all the activities she missed out on, all the things she looked forward to and never got to experience, how short her entire life ended up being.
So I let myself have this day to be sad for Kylene and for myself, and for all the people who knew her and lost her, and all the people who didn’t get to know her. The other days I remember her with a smile, and try to be more caring like she was, and try to live my life experiencing new and wonderful things because she didn’t get to. Even though sometimes it’s hard to remember, not because the memories are faded, but because the memories are bittersweet.
((((HUGS))))
Thanks, Angelina!
Very heartfelt, Katie. It sounds like Kylene was a writer too.
She was. I think in a different way than I’m a writer. Better maybe.
{{{Hugs}}}
Thanks, Mary.
I’m sorry you lost your beautiful sister. I loved her journal entries. She had some happy times, though her life was short, and she is remembered with so much love.
Thank you, Helena. I’m glad the love comes through in the post.
11 years is a long time that many life milestones were missed sharing, but there always was and will be a little bit of Kylene in all of them. One of the most important things that I have learned from her death has been live your life with “no regrets”. This was our motto even before she passed away and I can hear her saying it in my head all the time. I always think of Kylene especially today. Thinking about you and your family today.
Oh, Laura, it’s so nice to hear from you. Yes, Kylene is always there for the milestones…not in the way I wish she was, but she’s there. I can totally picture her saying live with “no regrets.” As one of her best friends, you probably knew her better than almost anyone else. I’m glad she had you as a friend and that you keep her memory in your heart. Thank you for sharing. (((HUGS)))
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way. Sometimes it’s good to be sad about such a tragedy–it’s a good reminder for the rest of the year.
Thanks, Meradeth.
Thank you for sharing this, Katie.
Thank you for reading and helping me share her memory.
Beautifully said, Katie. Thank you for sharing this tender and treasured part of your life with us.
Thanks, Ruth. It’s always hard to write about it, but good too in a way.
I lost a sister, too. Although she was an adult, I still think of her as my baby sister. Thanks for sharing.
I’m sorry you lost your sister, K.L. It’s a tough thing no matter what the age.
Rest now, sweet Kylene. How lovely you were there with big sis.
You too, Kati, may you feel the joy of the big sister you were. The photo says a lot.
Thanks, Mirka. Sweet Kylene is exactly right.
Hi Kate, thoughts and prayers are with you. I lost my sister over thirty years ago and there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of her. You were both lucky to have each other if only for a short time. Beautiful tribute to Kylene.
Thanks, Marian. Sorry to hear about your sister. Having siblings is wonderful, even when they leave you too soon.
Hi Katie, this post was so heartbreaking and yet, I appreciated your vulnerability along with everyone else. I can’t help my curiosity though, I read the whole thing through like a story there was the middle (11 years in between) and the end (now) and yet there was no ‘beginning’, as in, how did she die? Or is too crass to ask?
Your curiosity is understandable, Yvette. That’s the problem with Kylene’s death: We still don’t know what she died of. She got sick (we thought it was pneumonia). She wasn’t getting better, so she was admitted to the hospital. Two weeks later she was gone. The not knowing used to bother me more, but I’ve kind of come to terms with it now.
Omigosh, that freaks me out. The exact same thing happened to my dear beloved sister-in-law, Tans. We were so close we were like sisters and spent all our spare time together. Tans was perfectly healthy. She had some sort of strange unexplained seizure and was admitted to hospital. They never figured out what was wrong with her. But two weeks later, she was dead. I’m sorry about your sister, Katie! It’s almost more difficult to reconcile when our family members pass this way isn’t it? Because it seems like it was preventable…