Lately my mind has been so full of million things that when I do have some free time, I can’t actually get anything done except maybe sitting in front of the TV and watching reruns of 19 Kids and Counting.
I mean, it’s these little guys that take up so much of my brain power, so a worthy trade off, but some days it’s hard not to be hard on myself. The evenings are especially unproductive. By the time feedings and baths are done and the boys are settled down for the night, I’m wiped. And there’s pretty much always laundry to be done and other stuff.
My mind is full of feeding schedules, lists of things I need to get done that keep getting put off by more important things that need to get done, and little voices saying things like, “I need you, Mommy.” My arms are full of kiddos hands and dirty diapers (hopefully not at the same time), my shirt is usually full of breast milk and spit up, and my diet is full of, well, junk because so much effort goes into making sure everyone else eats right that it’s hard for me to do so.
I’m not really complaining…I mean, I signed up for this whole being-a-mom thing. It’s just with all this fullness, I’m also feeling oddly empty. There’s this sort of blankness or haze around everything in moments of quiet. Perhaps my brain has been wired for a slightly chaotic state and it doesn’t know what to do with any stillness. Maybe it’s just fatigue.
Anyway, I’m off to go stare blankly into space for a few minutes before I try to tackle another thing on my list.